First things first: Our romantic attachments mirror the emotional bonds we have with our first caregivers, says Esther Perel in this “Esther Calling.”
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, a best-selling author, and the podcast— she’s also a leading expert on contemporary relationships. Every other week on the show, Perel plays a voice-mail from a listener who has reached out with a specific problem, then returns their call to offer advice. This column is adapted from the podcast transcript — the show is now part of the Vox Media Podcast Network — you can listen and follow for free onHi, Esther.
Esther: I mean, you’re doing a beautiful job at describing it: “I either become the pursuer and I become needy and I depend on them and I want their attention, but I don’t feel that I deserve it, that I’m lovable, that I’m worthy of it. And so I start to feel very small and they feel very big and I push them away because I come on so hungry.”
And I suppose you’re telling me, “I don’t really know where this comes from or why this becomes so intense, but the nice thing about turning 40 is that I finally begin to realize that this is me — and that the pattern has repeated itself enough times that I now know that it is not because there’s something missing in the other person.”Yeah, yeah.
So many times, people say, “But I have long-standing friendships. Why don’t I get that there?” Because the stakes never feel that high. I never feel like my sense of lovability and self-worth is underlined in this way.
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