AskPolly: 'Why do I need verbal proof that he loves me?' hhavrilesky responds
A year ago, after a decade of endless casual sex, half-assed relationships, and living in fear of the L-word, I fell in love for the first time. Really, truly, madly in love. Within eight months, we had bought an off-grid farm in the middle of nowhere together and moved in. Think no hot water, no toilet, no showers, no heating, just enough power to charge your phone once in a while.
I don’t want to ask him if he loves me, because I’m scared of what the response might be. . The one time I tried to bring this up, he said that he prefers actions to words, and if I really need him to express emotional commitment, he’d rather be friends. That was the most emotionally painful thing I’ve ever gone through, and while he tried to make it up to me a few days later, it still hurts to think about.
So your essential philosophy was perfectly in step with your partner’s outlook. You admired how post-emotional he was from the very start. You loved that he confidently spoke of zero-carbon- footprint homesteading miles away from civilization without batting an eye over the Netflix programs he might miss.
Everyone I know — every living being — is attracted to the shadow this way. We all find some form of alternative timeline alluring. Lately I’m obsessed with the statement, “He was living a whole separate life,” as in, that old story where some married man with a family also has another wife and family across town or in a different state.
Again, I am mocking myself along with you here. And I want to just stand up for what you’re digging for, in this gargantuan-sea-change, shock-to-the-system of a life that you’ve created. Obviously you were trying to build something completely different from anything you’ve ever had before.
Just circling your desires can be very exciting and rewarding! You don’t have to become obsessive about it, although neurotic overachievers who tend to deny their feelings in a knee-jerk way often do land there. Perhaps more importantly, you don’t have to feel shame about your odd and exotic desires. Shame not only makes desire itself feel bad, but it makes it impossible to look closely at what you want. Shame is confusing. It muddies the water.
It’s important to know yourself well. That requires the kind of deep self-reflection that people love to deride these days, as if it’s just a big masturbatory exercise and not something that helps people BE BETTER and MORE HONEST and MORE COMPASSIONATE. Here’s what you’ve learned: You’re actually someone who loves words. You love passion. You love extremes. You love romance. Can you feel that in your bones, at last?
Desires are frightening. Because you don’t know where the hell they’re going to lead you. Plenty of marriages are bad enough that the second you indulge your true desires, the marriage is over. Plenty of new relationships are shaky enough that the second you tell the other person the truth of who you are, they’re out the door. People hide in plain sight for pretty good reasons, actually. People refuse to feel their feelings for good reasons, too. People lie for good reasons, sadly.
Be patient with yourself. The best you can do is explore your desires without shame. The best you can do is stay open to your passions and interests and pay attention to what excites you the most, without making rash decisions that hint at the contradictory feelings that undergird everything you do. The best you can do is dive into your most conflicted feelings with the grace and open eyes of an emotional Jacques Cousteau. Dive in and open your eyes and your heart, without shame.
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