AskPolly: 'Sometimes I feel like a house nobody wants to live in.' hhavrilesky responds
Let me say the obligatory things first: This is going to be a mess, and there is no one problem, and I am an enduring fan of yours. Why? When I read your columns, so often I find a voice that reminds me of the best voice in me. I studied academic philosophy for a time, and there is a word, thumos, for the courage-loving, angry part of your mind, which rises up literally and figuratively in self-preservation.
They divorced, messily, which was depressing even though I’d always known they didn’t love each other. My mom fell apart over a husband who had only ever been angry when he was around, and then she became extremely controlling. I moved in with my dad, and wasn’t really bothered by his weekly explosions , until it became unbearable to see how clearly he weighed the importance of his new wife and her family over me and my brother — so I stopped going home freshman year.
In order to tell new stories about yourself, you’re going to have to use your imagination. Your letter reflects tons of imagination, chomping at the bit to be of use. Maybe you believe that imagination is also a princess thing, an emotional strength that doesn’t matter in the so-called real world. After all, according to the story you’ve been telling, everything you love is weak and pathetic, and everything you don’t love is worthy and solid and real and true.
My parents told me pretty good stories about my talents, but they told me bad stories about how wanting things was embarrassing. They cared about looking cool a lot, so they pretended not to want things. What they really wanted, passionately, was always a secret, hidden from view. So even though I felt confident in my abilities, I couldn’t work hard at anything until I figured out how to stop feeling embarrassed and weak for wanting things.
You chose a goal with a lot of shame around it. That’s your bravery — not coincidentally, the one good trait that you’re willing to attribute to yourself. I think looking different is important to you not because it’s IMPORTANT TO THE WORLD , but because it just happens to matter to you in particular. I’ll bet if you dig a little deeper, you’ll see that looks are something you’ve always valued a lot in spite of your attempts not to care. You care about aesthetics.
I’m not telling you that you should lose weight, okay? I’m not telling you that you should recruit new friends or fall in love. All I’m saying to you is that you have high standards in everything, and you care a million times more than you’re willing to admit even to yourself. And it’s time now to live inside that desire. It’s time to own your hunger. It’s time to admit HOW MUCH you want.
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