I had to forgive myself for not being the hero in my own daughter's story.
As a mother, it was my duty to protect her, to help see her through the rest of her childhood tomorrows, but I couldn’t do it. My love for her was and is stillpowerful, but even that invisible force wasn’t enough to save her. And since then, I have spent a billion and counting of my moments trying to make sense of that one.
, a fierce and loving nurturer to my kids. And somehow, some way, by one moment of horrible, rotten luck, I lost one of my children.I felt lower than the most negligent of mothers. I felt like everyone, including me, would always see me as the mother who couldn’t succeed at motherhood. It didn’t make sense, so I blamed and hated myself for it.I’d be lying if I said that, at times, I didn’t think themight kill me.
them for their insinuations they didn’t mean to harm me with… the ones that became contorted in my own head which told me that only the parents who do not deeply love their child can continue existing without them.I didn’t always want to or think I could continue walking, talking, or breathing after my child died, butwhat my throbbing mommy-heart felt. The world never stopped turning for this bereaved mother.
I had to learn how to accept my daughter’s early, unexpected, and horrible death for exactly what it was, no matter how big of a failure it made me feel I was or how painful it felt. I was forced to realize that not everyone will understand me now, and that’s okay.
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