Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2019

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2019
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All the latest entertainment coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.

This is a great time for romance to bloom at work because they’re about to lay everyone off and inspire an office shooting spree, so hey, gather ye rosebuds.You’re wasting your potential by living life as you do now, but not as much as you’re wasting your potential energy by not falling from high places.You’re not the kind of person who lets social conventions dictate how you live your life, but it would be nice if you could pull that off without being such an asshole.

In hard economic times like these, people tend to spend more money on booze and entertainment, but they don’t have to as long as you’re there to go into hilarious convulsions after drinking wood alcohol.They say you can never step into the same river twice, but thanks to crocodiles and your refusal to learn how to swim, once is all you’ll need.

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