This isn't the compliment you think it is.
But isn’t that what these men are saying, most of the time? You’re kind of like a dude, but also you’re a girl so we can do sex without compromising my toxic masculinity. Or maybe not, maybe it’s that you’re more like the fantasy Cool Girl they’ve read so much about. Either way, it’s not really you, they’re talking about; it’s what they want you to be, for them.
Maybe you have the same interests as him and he thinks that’s unusual for a girl. Maybe you make him laugh so he thinks you’re funny for a girl. Maybe you’re okay with keeping things casual so he thinks you’re cool for a girl. Maybe you’re engaging to debate with about subjects that he’s interested in, so he thinks you’re really smart, for a girl. Urgh.
If it’s not clear by now, let me make it so: none of us should be happy with any so-called compliment that ends with for a girl. Knowingly or not, this form of ‘praise’ has always been a method of control. A stamp of approval from the men whose love we are told completes us. And a way of separating us off from our allies, our sisters, our biggest cheerleaders and closest friends.
In a strange way, it is telling us to be less like ourselves. The idea that being remarkable or hilarious or cool or bright or strong has anything to do with other women not being remarkable or hilarious or cool or bright or strong is the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever heard. Personally, I know I am those things because of other women, not in spite of them.
Other girls are funny and talented and brave and beautiful. They are sharp and sexy and fragile and smart. They are strong and bold and sometimes troubled. They are magnificent and multifaceted. They are matriarchs and misfits. They are powerful and vulnerable and courageous and kind. They are warrior women and I hope to God that I am like them!
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