“How did you know you were gay,” he asks. “Like, really know.” “It was kind of a mistake,” I say.
He took espresso before red wine. We dined on steak in hotel restaurants on the outskirts of the city. I was 20. I was flat broke. From a summer job, I had saved enough to buy the flight to Scotland, one-way. The return, I would figure out. Take an advance on the next semester’s student loans, or maybe borrow from my grandfather, if I could stomach the shame of asking. I couldn’t ask my father. He was in a protracted custody battle with my mother. I couldn’t ask my mother.
I needed to eat. On my student visa, I couldn’t find legal employment in a pub or bakery or any of the supermarkets from which I was stealing. So I was stealing and when I wasn’t stealing I was on the OKCupid meal plan, and then I met the oil lobbyist. My shoes had holes in the toes. It was always raining. I was not lighthearted. In my brain, a small motor thrummed. I could feel it in my temples.
“Stop that,” he scolds after me with high, tight breath. It’s evening. I have, after much effort, convinced him downtown for the Christmas Market. The mist and fog have let up, so the scene—gift shops, strands of icicle lights, cocoa stands, the white frame of the Ferris wheel—looks like a painting of itself.I had caught myself breaking into a skip toward the balcony view of the ice rink in the gardens below. I stopped.There are a few things I know completely. I know about shame.
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