Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber’s new book What We Want explores the hidden desires many of us repress. Here, she delves into the power in learning to say ‘I want’.
We all have secrets: secret fantasies, spending patterns, addictions, affairs, work problems, strange impulses, eating habits. We also have secret desires. Hidden longings. Whatever our culture and upbringing, we’re socialised to hide some of what we want. Sometimes we know we secretly want something, but some desires we keep hidden, even from our own awareness.
Therapy is a place where we can try to face ourselves – and these desires – without flinching. Historically, women have been socialised to be the object of desire, to please others and self-sacrifice, so while we’re becoming more open about recognising our desires generally – these days, the pursuit of pleasure is no longer regarded as decadent – we’re still easily subsumed by the ‘shoulds’ of how we think we’re supposed to be.
“We might pretend not to want a loving relationship, but again, we fantasise that life will surprise us with the things we’ve pretended not to want. Years go by as we wait for this idealised life”
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