How can you make the first move when your teen doesn't talk?
SINGAPORE – Leadership coach Jenny Lie did not expect her son’s teenage years to be such a turbulent time for the family.
She now runs a corporate coaching practice which she co-founded with her husband Raymond Teo, 50, called Play Insight Management Consultancy, as well as online bakery Ten Butter Fingers. Her daughter, Cheryl, is now 20 and Caleb, 18. “He was disagreeable and angsty. I was so frustrated, I called my wife and asked her why I was doing this trip,” he recounts.
Caleb, now a second-year junior college student, says that as a newly minted teenager, it was important to him how he was viewed by his peers.important. Screen time contributed to social life. My parents and I didn’t see eye to eye about it,” he recalls. After six months, the Teos realised they had to change the way they parented Caleb, to preserve the relationship.“I had to remind myself that my identity as a parent is not determined by the way my child behaves, and I would continue giving him support despite the mistakes he may make. I should focus more on the relationship and less on the control,” she says.
She realised belatedly that the mobile phone was not just a gadget to a teenager, but a window to his friends. “When we shut it down, he lost a part of his identity,” she adds. In hindsight, Ms Lie says she probably should not have followed parenting guidelines to a tee. “A relationship with a child is more important than guidelines. Seeking to control teenagers can backfire. Instead, go into their world and ask them what they think.”
They increased their number of calls to him and resorted to threats through voice messages – even yelling out their recorded messages – when their son continued to be unresponsive.Through family therapy sessions, the parents learnt to communicate with their son by first regulating their own emotions, then conveying to him their concern calmly. He eventually unblocked them on WhatsApp.
But when teens’ desire for autonomy conflicts with parents’ rules, boundaries and expectations, they may stop communicating. If parents are not prepared to engage differently with their children as they become teens, simple issues regarding school or friends may develop into arguments, and teens may stop saying anything further because they do not think their parents understand them, she says.
“Create ways to engage with your child. Let your face light up when you see him or her. Keep your expectations small, and focus on what you can control, which is your own behaviour and words,” she says. Another way to make your teen feel heard is to ask him or her, for example, “How can I show you I am listening?” or “When is a good time for a chat?”
South Africa Latest News, South Africa Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Vigil held for victims of Sydney mall attackMourners gathered in silent reflection outside the Westfield mall in Bondi Junction.
Read more »
Mobile grocery trucks to serve 7,200 vulnerable families in South West district over 2 yearsThe programme will provide around $300,000 worth of groceries and essential items over a two-year period.
Read more »
Iraq criminalises same-sex relationships with maximum 15 years in prisonBAGHDAD - Iraq's parliament passed a law criminalising same-sex relationships with a maximum 15-year prison sentence on Saturday (April 27), in a move it said aimed to uphold religious values but was condemned by rights advocates as the latest attack on the LGBT community in Iraq.
Read more »
At 4 years old, Ellie already knows which fruits clash with her medicationWhen she was four months old, a doctor suspected, correctly, that she has a genetic disorder that causes tumour growth.
Read more »
37 million tonnes of debris in Gaza could take years to clear: UNUNITED NATIONS: There are some 37 million tonnes of debris to clear away in Gaza once the Israeli offensive is over, a senior official with the UN Mine Action Service said Friday (Apr 26).
Read more »
UN official says it could take 14 years to clear debris in GazaThe war has so far left some 37 million tonnes of debris in the widely urbanised, densely populated territory.
Read more »