It has been nearly 82 years since marijuana was first officially banned as an illicit substance in the United States. Over that time, we have seen incredible changes across our nation. We have survived a world war and the Cold War, seen the sexual revolution and legalization of abortion, impeached a president, and suffered the rise of reality TV. But somehow, marijuana remains taboo as thousands are unjustly imprisoned through an ill-advised and ill-fated war on drugs. After decades of such folly, the choice is clear: We must legalize marijuana as the next step on our path to the breakdown of all laws and societal norms. If we someday want to live in a world where heroin, sex trafficking, and murder are all permitted, we need to start by legalizing pot.
For years, critics have warned that marijuana is a slippery slope to more dangerous drugs and activities—they are correct, and that is exactly why it should be legalized. Ending the prohibition on cannabis will send a clear message that we are a society on the verge of collapse, and hopefully inspire the citizens of this nation to make the final push over the edge.
Ever since our auspicious founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel fled the Prussian government’s attempts to prosecute him for “selling potatoes black with rot and herring of a most foul composition” and crossed the Atlantic to find freedom in America, we have stood against the tyranny of government control. America’s Finest News Source was at the forefront of the fight against prohibition and authoritarian workplace safety laws.
Some have criticized the marijuana legalization process as too slow, decrying incrementalism in place of a full-fledged leap into anarchy. While there is merit in the desire to maim and burn and copulate in the streets as soon as possible, we feel this is unrealistic. Man is a timid beast at times, and The Onion knows we must hold it by the hand and lead it toward enlightenment.
The full-scale collapse of civilization may be outside the desires of dull, unimaginative cowards who only want to sit on their couches, watching mindless TV and living free from roaming gangs of organ harvesters, but they don’t see the future. The Onion welcomes it with open arms. We live in a world in which the cowardice of morals and the desire for stability chain our minds. We are supposed to care for each other, respect each other, go to work, but all that will be rendered meaningless with cannabis. Society is a lie. Death and destruction are the only rules of nature, and the prohibition of marijuana infringes on that.
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