SexDiaries: 'Knowing that I still have him for two more mornings, and that after this trip I might never see him again makes me feel dizzy.'
Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher This week, a woman wrestles with an intense long-distance crush: 24, single, Sunset Park. 7:30 a.m. I watch porn and squeeze my legs together while fantasizing about P fucking me. I’m visiting him in Houston this weekend. We hooked up six months ago when he was in town for a business trip; since then we’ve had two blissful weekend rendezvous.
8:30 p.m. A Tinder date bails so I go straight home after dinner with a friend. I want to meet someone before I visit P, just to remind myself of the abundance of nearby prospects. I look at my phone; the video I sent him is still sitting quietly above the text box. I wonder what he’s doing right now. The thought of him holding another girl’s face and kissing her gently the way he’d kiss me makes my stomach churn.9:30 a.m. On the train to work, still debating if I should go to Houston.
7:00 p.m. On the train back home after my wax appointment. I text M to see if he wants to meet up tonight; he’s 35 and polyamorous. We hooked up a few times and I’m okay with him wanting to keep it casual. 7:00 p.m. As I primp and get ready for dinner, he puts his arms around me and stares into the mirror. I can’t help but feel like the intense physical chemistry between us is worth it.
2:30 p.m. Back at his place, he can’t wait to bend me over the kitchen counter. As we catch our breath, I tell him my hesitation about this trip but he says he doesn’t think it’ll be our last time seeing each other; he’s only casually dating the local girl, and his company has a charity event in New York in three weeks. I try to curb the joy I feel rising inside of me and don’t say anything. I can’t let myself fall for his inconsistency and hang onto some false hope.
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