When an adoption match turned unexpectedly complicated, we were faced with our first-ever parenting decision — and our hardest.
He and I first met in a grimy college bar. I was 21; he was 25 and dreaming about his future again. Three days later, we laid on a deserted beach in the September sun. “I probably can’t have kids,” he said suddenly. Six years earlier, he’d been diagnosed with a
My husband still squirms when he talks about having cancer. His face goes stony, his eyes look somewhere far away. Every time we talked about having a family — and“What is this?” my husband asked, months later, when he found a pamphlet on sperm donation. Quiet hung in the air. “What are you thinking?” I finally said. “That I’ll be an outsider in my own family,” he said sadly.
We understood. We paid the $4,000 nonrefundable fee for the home study assessment and scheduled our first home study meeting for the following week. The total cost for a successful adoption was roughly $20,000. We took out a line of credit to cover the costs. I wanted to burn down the world, for failing a 14-year-old girl. Burn it down again, because the baby had no choice but we did.
Driving home, I asked my husband what he was thinking. “I don’t know. How can we tell from one conversation?” I shrugged and reached for his hand. More hours went by. Eventually, our friend left, also in tears. My parents brought food no one ate. I Googled. My husband paced and read the binder’s section on alcohol exposure.
We pored over the birth paperwork, medical history, and prenatal care, then asked the agency more questions. There were no signs of exposure. “So,” my husband said. “Should we try again?” I nodded.
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