DENVER, CO—Stressing that his angry rants and unhinged perceptions of the world in no way represented the Vermont senator’s broad coalition of supporters, 27-year-old Adam Patterson told reporters Wednesday that he was sick and tired of the Sanders movement being defined by a small number of toxic members like himself. “Honestly, I’m just fed up with the mainstream media taking a tiny sample of aggressive and borderline unhinged Bernie supporters like me and suggesting that we somehow represent the millions of completely normal Bernie voters out there,” said Patterson, stressing that the condescending way that he insisted anyone who slightly critiqued Sanders or his plans was a neoliberal shill, white supremacist, or supporter of war criminals did not at all reflect Sanders’ largely issues-oriented campaign. “Look, clearly I’m a lunatic who has lost all touch with reality or historical context. I mean, I’ve repeatedly argued I’d rather live in Venezuela under Nicolas Maduro than the totalitarian state of America. That’s crazy. And, frankly, I’m sure if Bernie saw me going online and telling women they were fucking corporatist bitches for supporting Warren, he would condemn it, because it distracts from his generally positive message. But I’m just one person. Should the media get to cast all Bernie supporters in a negative light just because of a few complete and utter assholes like me?” At press time, Patterson had decided that the best solution to the mischaracterization was to tell a female journalist who wrote about Bernie Sanders’ history of praising left-wing dictatorships to get ovarian cancer and die.
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