'It’s far time autistic family members be given the gift of accommodation and acceptance — no bow or bag required!'
I had a great-uncle growing up who absolutely loved to put on two-plus-hour-long piano recitals and to narrate various sketches he had drawn specifically to share with us around the holidays. I dreaded those hours. I just wanted to run around with my cousins or get lost in the 30th re-run of. This particular great-uncle could not “read the room,” as you’d say. I come from a large family and there was not a single smile on any of the great-grandkids’ faces.
I applaud my own mom and dad for having me sit there, but also reflecting on this experience, I could have enjoyed the performance more as a child if I would have understood that neurodivergence exists and that there are accommodations that can be made to show understanding and to make them feel welcomed.
For starters, recognize that the best thing you can do is chat with the autistic family member or their parent to determine what would make them or their autistic child feel seen, welcomed, and comfortable. Do they need a quiet room to retreat to as their safe space and to feel grounded? There are so many senses at work at a holiday gathering that can be a lot for a neurodivergent brain to process. Sensory processing differences are common in autistic individuals.
This leads me to the ultimate accommodation: It’s too easy to think all family members should abide by neurotypical mannerisms such as sitting still at the Thanksgiving table or saying “thank you” after receiving gifts. Don’t negatively judge what you see. Instead, get curious and ask questions to gain understanding.
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