Perspective: Caring for my aging mother has helped me live in the present
In real life, outside of yoga or meditation classes where we’re encouraged to be “in the moment,” few things get our undivided attention. Increasingly, we are emboldened to multitask. Colleagues attend Zoom meetings from their cars; some even while driving. Others turn off cameras, attending only as names on the screen. Are they really? During phone calls, I hear the rustling of packaging as someone opens a delivery, a faucet running, the clanging of cookware.
Even something as simple as turning off the TV should be carried out with purpose and without undue haste. She helps me remember to walk her through tasks as if she is experiencing them for the first time, because according to her memory, she is. If she does not know which button to press, even though she has pressed it a hundred times, I must reassure her that she is not dumb, that the remote control’s assemblage, with all its buttons, arrows and numbers, is absurdly confusing — to anyone.
The reward when I’m patient: She smiles and says, “I did it!” Rather than feeling inept, she feels successful. And I feel a gust of pleasure. Toggling between her slower world and my other one, of do-everything-as-fast-as-you-can, I slip all the time. But some small adjustments have helped. If I have only a minute before a video call, or I’m in the middle of a complicated spreadsheet, or I’m starving, it’s not the right time to take a call from her. If my mom can’t figure out how to change the TV channel, it’s not a crisis. And if I take better care of myself — put on my own oxygen mask first — it’s easier to be kind.
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