'Nope, Can't Deal With That Today,' Populace Says
RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," with most saying they simply don't have it in them to deal with whatever information lies beyond that six-word phrase.
"First of all, it was right on the front page, and you just know there isn't going to be anything good about a 4-year-old kid on the front page," said Kathy Wortham, 39, a Providence, RI receptionist and mother of two. "I only read it to the word 'Girl,' and that was more than enough for me. I knew there wasn't a verb in the English language I would have been able to handle after that.
In addition to not reading the entire headline, the majority of Americans said they also would not engage in any speculation as to the article’s content, because there was no possible ending to the headline they could conceivably tolerate, other than "Go To An Amusement Park" or "Brush Her Teeth"—highly unlikely topics for new stories, they grudgingly admitted.
Members of the Associated Press, where the headline originated, said they too were anxiously waiting for the no doubt emotionally devastating story to pass through the news cycle."I really can't blame anyone for not wanting to read that whole headline; when the article came across my desk, I myself got to the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," immediately signed off on it, and had it sent out over the wire," AP senior editor Mike Siegel said.
"Did you know a female dog in Missouri adopted a litter of piglets?" Siegel continued. "Ha, ha, ha! No little girls being forced to do anything inOther media professionals confirmed the U.S. populace shouldn't even bother following the news tomorrow, as there will be a high prevalence of headlines containing language such as "Dragged," "Kindergartner," "6 Hours," “Syria,” various random phrases trending on Twitter, and "Blunt-Force Trauma.
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