He shouts, he swears, he calls me names — but I know it’s his ADHD talking. That’s why, when my child misbehaves, I work hard to ignore it and remember that sometimes punishments for kids with ADHD are counterproductive.
“No! I hate you! You’re stupid! You’re mean! You’re a fricking jerk!” My 10-year-old screams this, responding to a request to find his shoes before we head out to playgroup. I want to scream back, or start doling out punishments, to make him stop calling me names and to stop swearing. I want to hand out a consequence. I want to make it so he never acts like this again. Instead, I take several deep breaths, swallow hard, and wait a beat, trying hard to ignore his words.
He quits screaming. I wait another beat, and he starts pulling on his shoes. “Will Quinn be there?” he asks sweetly. “I like Quinn.” It’s as if nothing has happened.This is a battle I often fight — not the battle with my child, his temper, and his choice of words — but a battle against myself. Squelching my first reaction to his, to make room for what I’ve learned works: Let the storm pass, ignore, wait that magical beat.
My fear, born in worries that are out of control, has imagined my child’s potty mouth leading to a life sentence for armed robbery. That’s where my mind goes when I worry about my child’s future. That’s where all our minds go, the parents of children with serious behavior problems. That’s where everyone’s mind goes when they see a child who talks back and swears at his parents, who throws tantrums well past pre-K. Take care of these problems now, because they will get worse.
This might be standard advice, but it’s not the parenting my child needs. I tried it for years, and it made our problems worse. Only recently, when I’m able to refuse to punish him or react to his offensive behaviors, have his actions and mood improved. His swearing has declined, and his defiance is almost a thing of the past. This is because he’s not misbehaving on purpose. Because of his neuro-behavioral differences, he is not in control of his actions.
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