AskPolly: “I love my ‘chosen family’ of my husband and friends, but can people live happily without their ‘family’ family?”
It feels like everybody who cuts out “toxic” people from their lives talks about how good they feel afterward. So I don’t know why it feels so terrible for me.
I tried to see them only at holidays and keep up over text and email. But the last time I saw them, they were horrible to my husband and in-laws, and we ended up having a huge blowout over the fact that I didn’t want to spend the holidays with them on another continent without my husband, who is never invited because they think he was an unsuitable choice. If that sounds like I’m living in a Victorian novel, it definitely feels like that, and worse.
To them, you aren’t a person with rights. You aren’t a person with choices. You aren’t a person at all. The only acceptable choice is for you to pretend to have the exact same needs and desires and preferences that they have. Look at your sister. That’s what she does, right? She pretends to agree with your mom about everything. Maybe she does this so thoroughly that she can’t even remember what she wants independently of your mom anymore.
Boy, do I get that! I went through a rough time with my mom about nine years ago, and it was excruciating. I kept trying to set things straight. I wanted her to understand where I was coming from. I thought that if she would just listen to me, I could finally explain all of my feelings and she would get it completely. There were days when I just wanted to apologize and take the blame for everything, so we could be close again. I wanted to stop feeling rejected.
It doesn’t help that you’re in a situation that kicks up all of the confusion of your past. Because you were taught to doubt your own impulses and emotions and assessments at every turn, your impulse is to doubt those things now. Your urge is to eat some shit and get back into their good graces. Your impulse is to explain what you want and need, all over again.
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