My career as a lawyer almost destroyed me - Macleans.ca

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My career as a lawyer almost destroyed me - Macleans.ca
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'I would start my mornings sitting in my truck for an hour, staring at the big glass doors with my name on them, trying to muster whatever I needed to go into the office. It was usually the thought of drinking at the end of the day that got me through it.'

I didn’t have much direction when I graduated from the University of Guelph with an economics degree in 1995. I come from a family of lawyers—my dad and sister worked in criminal law and my brother and sister-in-law are lawyers in Toronto—so I decided to write the LSAT. I didn’t score particularly well, but somehow I still received offers from several law schools.

I was never able to fully shed the industry’s conflict culture. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep, you’re constantly bombarded by conflict. As a lawyer, you spend most of your time arguing with people who are smarter than you, or have greater resources, and who are always expected to come out on top. When I was starting out, I could come home and detach from all of that conflict for a little while, even after late nights in the office.

We travelled often as a family—twice a year, always somewhere tropical. I checked my phone incessantly and would wake up early to go to the hotel’s business centre, where I could get online and answer emails. I tried to be online before the kids woke up or after they went to bed, but I checked my phone all day and often excused myself from family dinners or activities to deal with work emails. We were on vacation together, but I wasn’t really there.

I became an expert in hiding my addiction and mental health struggles from co-workers. I dressed impeccably and portrayed myself as a strong, organized and ambitious lawyer. I was razor focused at work, and initially, my work didn’t suffer. But eventually, I started showing up to the office drunk for our weekly evening meetings. Other nights, I would go into the office to “catch up” on work. Instead, I would sit alone, drinking in my office.

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