“While I still struggle with eating, that struggle now feels more like background noise and less like an emergency siren.” — EmmaSpecter
“It would be good to feel good about yourself for good.” When I first read those words, written by the poet William Matthews in his 1995 bookI was struck. My new therapist had, some sessions earlier, urged me to think about what I wanted from the eating disorder recovery program I’d recently initiated, and I’d almost laughed; the answer seemed so obvious.
I came out to myself as a binge eater almost a year before I came out to my parents as a lesbian, but the two identities are still linked in my mind. As my initial Twitter crush on R. progressed into a full-blown long-distance relationship—faster yet more naturally and calmly than any of my previous queer relationships had—I got to try on a version of myself who ate regularly and with gusto. R.’s and my second-date martinis and appetizers quickly gave way to a full,weekend together in L.A.
Life with R. began to assume a kind of pattern: We’d see each other once a month for about a week or so , and for that week or so I would neither binge nor restrict my food intake. This wasn’t anything we consciously planned for or even discussed much—I shared more with R. about my eating disorder than I ever had with any other partner, but I still didn’t want them to feel in any way responsible for my food issues.
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