AskPolly: 'I don’t want to break up with her, but it feels like even if I did want to … it would be stupid?' hhavrilesky responds
Your advice and column have seen me through some tough times, good times, and rapid change over the past four years. Divorce, death, tepid motherfuckers, and coming out to my family at almost 30, to name a few. “You will rock it out one way or another” gave me the strength to walk away from two relationships.
What day is it? What should we do tonight? Should we do the same thing we did last night? Why does that feel like the wrong answer? Remember restaurants? Remember how good it used to feel, to sit outside in the sunshine, sipping a drink, watching people walk by without worrying about them exhaling on you and killing you?
“Time for a strong drink and a doughnut!” I announce to my children, pretending we have doughnuts in the house. Remember doughnuts? I fix myself a strong drink and eat a few Pepperidge Farm cookies. Maybe I finish them. Do I sound crazy to you? What does the word “crazy” mean anymore? Isn’t that a bullshit word? What’s so wrong with crazy? Where did sanity ever get us, anyway?
I wonder where her anger comes from. I wonder what she’s assuming about you at this point. Maybe she senses — justifiably? — that you’re not committed. Maybe her emotions are experienced through a filter of disappointment and longing. You feel like you can’t really say anything right because you can’t: She experiences you as bullshitting her. She reaches for you and through you. You don’t seem real at all.
I have to take a nap in the middle of writing my column so I don’t feel exhausted one hour later when I have to make dinner for five people using, I don’t know, some cans of black beans and a bag of brown rice. Nothing sounds that good to eat at the moment. Where is my drink? Where is my doughnut? What if you’re projecting? What if you’re the one who needs a lot but doesn’t want to process anything? What if you’re the one who starts to feel distant so that you never have to feel vulnerable? What if you’re the one who defines having needs as feeling needy? What if she really is showing up and trying to talk to you, but it never feels like you’re really there?
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