For the second episode of “A Zoom of One’s Own,” writer Raven__Smith reveals how to find work-life balance while in lockdown.
I feel so lonely when people talk about cars. All the makes and models have familiar names, but they don’t mean anything. I understand the concept of horsepower but not the measure of it or its real-world application. I can’t work out how anybody absorbs all that information and stores it away, whipping it out at the pub after a pint.
. I feel the same about dogs and how people can point out different breeds without their phone. I don’t give a shih tzu. It’s the same with trees, where I only know silver birch and conker. And with wine, I enjoy a nice Sancerre, but I never keep notes in my head outside ofWhen I was younger, I had the same reaction when boys talked about girls. I understood how women looked, their form, their function, their warm nether regions, but this didn’t stir anything in me.
Priority boarding was not an aspiration. Mucking in with the lads wasn’t an option. My sexuality was still very much a gelatinous blob, magma cooling on the surface, but even then I knew I was different. I didn’t know I liked men, exactly. I just knew I didn’t like women like that. I had no drive to learn more. Women were like cars: lots of moving parts that didn’t interest me.
The first half of secondary school is a time before you have any real sexuality, before your hormones kick in and you get body hair and pendulum mood swings. My gayness registered as a sort of low-level hum of manageable discomfort, like my underwear was on inside out. My desire for men came in slowly, like global warming, and just made a kind of ebbing, lazy sense.
Like any sleuth, I was gathering evidence to be meticulously examined behind closed doors, taking notes on each passing cloud of desire, inspecting every dick pang, deciphering my real attractions versus the red herrings. I was slowly deducing the mechanics of men themselves and becoming a scholar of the way they moved and talked and interacted—a claustrophobic whodunit of nonconforming arousal. The suspense was murder, but there were no arrests because there was no felon.
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