“A centerfold was glamorous and important, two things I believed would somehow transform me.”
Photo Courtesy Of TJ Butler
I spent my teens in foster care as an escape from domestic violence. When I aged out of the system, my aspirations included becoming a writer, which I was aware of, and being loved, which I wasn’t. I combed the ads for new modeling gigs every week. Then I’d arrive at another stranger’s house or hotel room. I would take my clothes off, smile or pout for a few hours, and leave with cash.I basked in the attention, seeing myself as a sexual being with power for the first time.
Amateur modeling was my primary source of income. I was scraping by, but it was better than the drudgery of minimum wage jobs I was qualified for. The centerfold was an impossible dream come to life for a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I knew I was a statistic before I knew what the word meant. A centerfold was glamorous and important, two things I believed would somehow transform me.The other nude models I knew aspired to be in adult magazines.
I lied on my application, aced the interview, and got the job. The clientele reminded me of the well-heeled do-gooders who would arrive in luxury cars and donate large sums of money to my last group home. My co-workers were attractive with perfect teeth and impeccable uniforms, always at ease with their tables. They embodied everything I was not.
The shift was slow. A little while later, most of the other servers were gathered around a table in the empty party room, and I wandered over to join them. My ears pricked up at the comment, “I’d never do that to myself.” I wanted to know the gossip and edged toward the group. Someone’s diamond earring glinted in the dim lighting. I heard the words, “You can tell she’s a slut,” when I was close enough to see what they were looking at.
I posed for photos at events and smiled for tips. Men pulled me close to them, tucking my petite frame into their armpits. In this way, a bubble formed to protect me from being judged ever again.
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