Dear Care and Feedng: My mother-in-law just doesn't seem to get that I'd rather be by myself than have her over to help.
My wife and I are older parents, both in our 50s. We have one child, an 11-year-old daughter. I had a tough upbringing: My father was orphaned before he hit puberty. He was deeply scarred, and it affected our whole family. We also were dirt poor, and my parents fought a lot until finally divorcing. All this left a mark on me, although I went to college and won a fellowship to an Ivy League graduate school. But my wife had it so much worse.
This brings me to the issue at hand: my wife is incredibly hard on our daughter. She criticizes our daughter for failures of cleanliness and grooming. She also has very high expectations for our daughter’s academic performance; she has very low tolerance for B’s on a report card and is quick to lose her temper when our daughter makes mistakes, particularly in math.
Take whatever time you need in order for that feeling of being emotionally drained to dissipate. It took me a long time to realize that I’m not obligated to make myself uncomfortable in order to save someone else discomfort. To put it another way, why was I prioritizing others’ feelings over my own? I’m not advocating always putting yourself first, but IAdvertisement
Zooming out, I think you need to decide what you want from this relationship long-term before reestablishing contact. Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Do not expect your dad to be anything other than what he has shown you he is. If you can make a place for that in your life, then, by all means, do. I’d advise you to craft some go-to responses to use when your dad is going off the emotional rails.
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