'There’s nothing sexy or hot about using someone else to get high.'
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I could go back to the beginning and tell you how and why I started acting out with men at the young age of 13, but let’s go straight to one of my “bottoms” as they call it in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous , a 12-step program along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous. I used to love to have multiple partners at once. Especially if they were living in different cities and would never be able to run into each other. I usually had one male companion in Los Angeles as well, but at this particular time, we were taking a break. Multiple partners kept me on my toes. Spinning lies is a huge part of the high a sex and love addict gets.
But I am not a character in a play or show. I am a person. And something was seriously wrong with me. Was I missing the gene that made me care about others? Was I simply a cold-hearted bitch? I felt so numb. I wanted to die. I had hurt two people who didn’t deserve it. Why was I like this? That confrontation in the driveway was the beginning of the end for addict-me. But what in God’s name did I do now that I was starting to understand how truly lonely and messed up I was? What was the next step? Especially since I had lost both men in my life, I couldn’t seem to drag myself out of this bed.
Then the speaker, an older rocker dude, started to share. My mouth dropped in disbelief as he began telling my exact story. It seemed impossible that I could have so much in common with this man. He said that when he first walked into SLAA, he thought everyone there were freaks and losers. He didn’t think he belonged there. He even left early at his first meeting, which made me laugh out loud because at that moment I too was thinking of my exit strategy.
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