By 2019, I no longer wished for a wonderful Mother's Day; I simply wanted to get through it. I felt like a mom in every way, but I did not have a living child.
We had tried, without success, to conceive again, both naturally and through IVF. Just before the day itself, I confessed to my husband I was terrified to be pregnant. We began discussing the option of a gestational carrier, who would carry and deliver our child.
This year is different. We finally brought a child home in July last year: our son Elliott. Mother's Day 2021 will be the first time I have a child in my arms, but I have spent five years being a mom. Though I am so grateful for Elliott; my amazing, happy, loving child, I am missing two children; Sweet Pea and Colette. I will visit Colette at the cemetery and think of her and Sweet Pea. I will imagine what they would have been like if they were still here. I will snuggle with Elliott and enjoy the day as much as I can, but a huge part of me will be in some other place, a place in which all of my kids are alive.
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