Dating without alcohol is scary. You don't have that social lubricant. You're just there, raw, out in the world.
I then got into a relationship with an older guy when I was 16 and he was 25. It made it a lot easier to get alcohol because he could just go and buy me whatever I wanted. I started experimenting with other drugs then too, because he was into that.
When I look back on that time now, it's like a black hole. I'd wake up every morning and throw up bile. I just felt so ashamed and hopeless and I had basically accepted the fact that I'd probably die before I was 25. I didn't know how to deal with life and I wasn't processing the loss of my mom or what was going on in my relationship. My boyfriend was really awful, but I was stuck. I didn't have family or parents to help me.
After becoming addicted to alcohol as a teenager, CiCi Reagan quit at the age of 24. Now 30, she has been sober for six years.On January 1, 2016, I was sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette when my friend asked what I was going to do. I said,"I don't know, but I don't want to do this." I felt so grimy all the time. I was unreliable and untrustworthy. I had moved to North Carolina by that point and was living with my grandparents and making life so difficult for them.
For the first few years I wouldn't even drink kombucha because it was fermented. I would go out with my partner to the pub and his work colleagues would all be drinking. It was extremely difficult, because all I wanted to do was drink. Sometimes people have asked how I knew I was an alcoholic and how long I've been in recovery. Usually if people start asking those questions it's because they think they have a problem, and they want you to tell them that they don't. I'm not interested in dating that person. I just let those people weed themselves out, to me it's a gift.
I've now forgiven myself for so many things. There was so much shame I was carrying around for no reason, for things that weren't my fault. I've apologized to people I wronged and I've apologized to myself. I have real friendships, I can be a supportive friend and I've reconnected with a lot of family.
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