I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

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I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer
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NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advanced and often terminal form of the disease.

However, while supporters expect the vast transit network to put up a strong fight, the prognosis is not optimistic. With the exception of notable successes like California’s I-405—which celebrates 10 years in remission this December—Department of Transportation figures show that highway cancer is by far the nation’s biggest turnpike killer, claiming an estimated 200 toll roads a year.

“It breaks my heart because I know that 95 wants to be out there doing what it loves: taking people from point A to point B between Florida and Maine,” said DOT secretary Ray LaHood, who added that he had become close friends with the road since taking office in 2009. “I feel partially responsible, too, because if I had stayed on its case about getting regular screenings we probably could have caught this thing earlier.

Upon hearing the news of the highway’s diagnosis, regular I-95 commuters expressed shock that such a serious disease could befall the normally vibrant and well maintained road.“All of this is kind of hard to swallow, I mean. I just drove on 95 yesterday and it looked totally fine,” said 43-year-old event planner Henry Fitzsimmons. “Just goes to show how incredibly fragile infrastructure can be. It’s times like this that make you pull over and appreciate every precious moment you have.

“I just hope it stays brave and gets the care it needs so it can return to its old self as soon as possible,” he added.At press time, state lawmakers were in the process of requesting emergency funding from the federal government, as the expensive highway cancer treatments are not covered by I-95’s health insurance.

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