The role of attachment styles in the creation of emotional intimacy.
. We really do need to like the other person to want a close connection. We may like their, worldly knowledge, or simple charm. Physical attraction will also be more or less important. Insecure attachment may skew these perceptions.
Humor and intellect are great, but they can also be used to excess and keep people from having to open up emotionally or about their true feelings and ideas about relationships. If you have an insecure style, your attraction to these attributes may blind you to the fact that they are using them as defenses against having true emotional intimacy.
Someone’s simple warmth and charm are wonderful and can make you feel great. But does your desire for this feeling really indicate that you need a break from your own chaotic and reactive emotions? Will the other person have enough depth to sustain you after your own emotional system calms down and you no longer need the escape?Being able to provide a secure base is part of secure attachment.
Those with insecure attachment styles will have difficulty providing a secure base because they never experienced this function from their parents in childhood. If you cannot share your feelings with your partner or you cannot tolerate them sharing their feelings without you getting reactive or shutting down, then it will be very difficult to have emotional intimacy.3. Care and Compassion.
Even someone with a dismissing-avoidant attachment style can really care about you. But without compassion, this will be an intellectual exercise that might blind you to the other person’s real emotional experience. To really care, you must be able to accurately perceive, understand, and havefor their experience. This means having the ability to decenter and practice reflective functioning—another skill that comes naturally to those with secure attachment.
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