An exhaustive guide with evidence-based strategies and word-for-word scripts sourced from depression experts
Girl with the Green Face, 1910, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photo: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons “I’ve started cutting my wrists,” my friend said on the phone one night. “I’m not eating. I don’t want to be alive.” We’d had many phone calls about her depression at this point; her parents knew, I had talked for hours on the phone with her childhood friend to compare notes, and she was on medication and seeing a therapist.
Depression, Defined What is depression? What are the signs and symptoms? Major depression is a mood disorder that causes someone to feel persistently sad for a long time , and of the many symptoms, the most common signs you’ll recognize in friends are their being less social or less interested in things they usually like to do. A depressed friend might decline your invitations to meet up, cancel plans again and again, or ignore calls or texts.
See what your friend is willing to share. If they don’t want to talk about it, or if they brush you off, just say, “I’m here for you,” and move on to another topic. What If They Are Considering Suicide? If a person says they’re suicidal, what should you do? “This is when it goes from an optional good idea of talking about depression to something that can be lifesaving,” says Dr. Ken Duckworth, a psychiatrist and the medical director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are two kinds of suicidal thoughts you should listen for: passive or active.
If your friend already has a therapist, and you know the person’s name, another thing you can do is call the therapist’s office and leave a message. The therapist can’t share any information with you due to HIPAA privacy laws, but nothing prevents the therapist from listening to you and incorporating your thoughts into your friend’s care. The therapist may not call you back, but at least you know that the therapist knows.
If people are resistant to the idea of therapy, you can frame it as a normal checkup. “Explain that the brain is an organ that can get ‘sick’ just like any other organ of the body,” says Dr. Ronald M. Podell, a psychiatrist and the founder and medical director of the Center for Bio-Behavioral Science in Los Angeles. If finding a therapist isn’t feasible or financially an option, your friend can try anxiety or mental-health apps.
Where to Hang Out What kinds of activities should I suggest? Going to see a movie is easy because it doesn’t require a lot of talking, or you can offer to take a walk or hang out at your friend’s house. Playing sports or going to a spin class could be too much, says Rosen.
If your friend has vented to you for over an hour, you could say, “You know, we’ve been talking about this stuff for a really long time. I really want to tell you about what’s going on with me at work because I could use your advice.” If you live with the person, you could say, “I’m going to get some fresh air and take a walk” or “I’m going to go to a yoga class, but I’ll be back later.”
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