People pleasers strive to keep everyone around them happy–but at what cost? This is one woman's story. peoplepleasing. selfcarefirst mentalhealth FawnResponse
I’ll never forget the Christmas my father broke all my brother’s toys with a hammer. He did it because we were not acting grateful enough, but I could swear I had been doing everything just right. Clearly, one of us had gotten it wrong, and he exploded with rage in ways we were used to but still found terrifying. I remember my little brother at eight years old sobbing while my father broke his new Legos into tiny pieces.
Children choose strategies to deal with situations that are out of their control, and mine was to play the “the good girl.” I formed a personality around the drive to be good in the hopes that it would propel me from the hands of my abusive parents. Em Rawls, MSW, who identifies as a Black, queer, social worker, says that over-functioning patterns like these often go undetected. “I have found in my work that folks whose trauma responses show up as people-pleasing can often seek out professions where this behavior can manifest harder and even become unhinged in the process,” says Rawls. “People can be labeled as hard workers, loyal, team players, always showing up big for others, and [taking] constructive feedback exceptionally well.
But trauma can’t be stuffed forever, can it? Not in my case. Eventually the agony of the past began to show itself between the cracks of my fabricated persona. I began peeling away at the edges and could barely stay awake from the strain of my injuries. It’s a common story. I broke down and began to remember. My adult life became a mad explosion of memory and horror, cutting through the Herculean efforts of a groomed little girl.
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