The decision to be non-monogamous is less of a moral one than I once thought. It is much more about how we chose to spend our time.
Whenever someone close to you makes a seemingly out there life choice, it holds a mirror up to your own life. And the number of curious inquiries that came my way after we decided to open our marriage left me certain that I had done what I thought everyone, at least secretly, wants to do: fuck other people.
Monogamy was out in the swinging ’60s and ’70s, then it came back in the ’90s, then it was out again. Apparently – at least from what I’ve heard from my chic friends – monogamy is back, again. But ask others – myself included – and non-monogamy is the only way to be. After a while in this camp, I feel like monogamy is too much to expect.
My partner and I carried on this way – a little smug – for a while after we broke the sacred tie of monogamous commitment. We would tell stories of our sexcapades over dinners and watch as our friends guffawed with what we assumed to be total jealousy. This is another dance we all do too: One where we try to work out, through the relative failings, successes, judgements, of our loved ones, our friends, if our lives are interesting, if they are enviable.
Eventually our non-monogamous routine brought with it some complications. A year and a half after we’d made the decision to go non-monogamous, I was crying at a friend’s baby’s first birthday party while the sweet baby blew out their birthday candle because I had been ghosted by another lover. And there have been many days where the concerns of my friends have been justified.
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