ST. HELENA, CA—Promising cuisine made from the “freshest, most inhumanely treated ingredients,” new factory-farm-to-table restaurant Cage announced this week that it is proud to serve the meat of locally tortured animals.
The restaurant, which boasts that it only uses meat raised and slaughtered in abhorrent conditions within a 100-mile radius of its premises, confirmed that it works exclusively with a network of corporately owned factory farms to ensure its suppliers adhere to the highest standards of cruelty.
He also said he works closely with the farmers who personally torture the livestock, drawing on their expertise to ensure he purchases the meat of animals whose systematic maltreatment, lack of exercise, and generations of selective breeding have made them chronically debilitated and miserable. “When sourcing pork, for example, I look for slaughterhouses where the pigs are crammed together so tightly they’re forced to urinate and defecate on each other,” said Keflani, remarking upon the layers of filth that must be hosed off with bleach before he takes delivery. “I make sure they’ve been injected with both muscle relaxants, to keep their tissue tender and supple, and with antibiotics, to fight the diseases that run rampant among animals living in such squalor.
Describing themselves as proud members of the budding locavore movement, many customers at Cage told reporters they share Keflani’s principles and only consume animals that have been abused and clumsily slaughtered in and around their community.
“It’s nice to be aware of my meal’s unimaginably tragic history,” said Prevario, cutting into the moist leg of a chicken that reportedly began life in a poultry facility where terrified birds have to be painfully debeaked so they won’t peck each other to death. “I personally feel like meat just tastes better when you know it came from a living creature that could barely walk and was subjected to extreme stress day and night.
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