The socio-cultural phenomenon explores the sometimes unappreciated domestic labour firstborn females take on.
The eldest daughter syndrome has brought to the fore the unpaid and unappreciated domestic labour many firstborn females take on in their families.Elaine was immediately thrown into the role of mediator between her parents, who lived apart during the separation period and had split custody of the children.
As she grew older, she continued to shoulder the burden of familial responsibilities, being her parents’ go-to for tasks such as tech support and doctor’s appointments. She also excelled in school, although she developed anxiety and depression along the way that she eventually sought professional help for.
While it is not an official psychological diagnosis, firstborn women worldwide have been speaking out online about the adverse effects of EDS, and finding solidarity in a shared experience many have kept quiet about for too long. “But the downside is that it can create a lot of anxiety, and feeling never good enough,” says Ms Lek, an eldest daughter herself. “You do so much and yet it’s not seen and people take it for granted. And the more you do, the more you get taken for granted, and it leads to burnout.”
This correlation between early signs of adrenal puberty in firstborn daughters and their mothers’ having experienced high levels of prenatal stress found that firstborn daughters tend to mature earlier, enabling them to help their mother rear younger siblings. Because she looked after her brothers so much, she felt equipped when she became a mother herself, adds Ms Tan, who has two daughters aged 11 and nine.Across cultures, many women have long shouldered the lion’s share of domestic labour. Perhaps even more so in Asian societies like Singapore, which emphasise traditional values like filial piety and have fixed ideas of gender roles, says therapist Ms Lek, whose clients are mostly in their 30s to 50s.
This can later contribute to the child’s own inability to practise healthy boundaries. “Their emotional needs are no longer their own, it’s about their family. They end up putting aside their own feelings and start to dismiss themselves,” she observes. It was only after her divorce that Covet Crystals’ Ms Tan realised the parenting dynamic she had with her brothers continued into her romantic relationships, which she felt were mostly unequal.
The stereotype of the isolated, aloof eldest child can be the result of a number of factors, say therapists. “, everything the eldest daughter does is to try to get the parents’ approval, validation and love. But parents don’t see it – they view the child as independent, and just think ‘getting it done’ is in her character.
It could explain why the controversial sixth sign of EDS, according to Ms Morton’s checklist, is: “You resent your siblings and family” – although those interviewed largely felt it did not apply to them. Dr Wong from Shan You Counselling urges parents to recognise their predisposed expectations and inherent biases about a firstborn’s responsibilities, as that may perpetuate a tendency to “tap them”.
It is not all doom and gloom. With time, most people in adulthood find their own security in other identities, such as in their relationships, partners, jobs or hobbies, says Ms Lek. “They stop doing it for their parents’ approval. “I’m driven and vocal. I learnt how to communicate and make decisions after careful evaluation. I’ve had the opportunity to try everything since I was the experiment child.”It helps to have good communication and understanding parents, adds the software engineer, who says her family of five share close bonds.
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