In this week’s Couples Therapy dilemma, sex coach Lucy Rowett advises on what to do when your partner seems to want porn more than you
I’m a 29-year-old woman with a 32-year-old boyfriend. We have been together for more than a year. At the beginning, we had an amazing love life, often having sex daily, but after the first few months the sex got less frequent. Now we barely have sex once a month – and when we do it’s always me initiating it.
It is very common that after the first six months to a year, the honeymoon phase starts to wear off. Many other things can impact your libido too, like stress, overworking, tiredness – as your boyfriend is describing – or it can be the symptom of something else like depression or anxiety. Many people watch porn and masturbate as a way of having solo time, where you can focus just on you, your pleasure andwithout having to think about anybody else. Having sex with a partner is a very different experience to masturbating to porn on your own. There are higher emotional stakes, you need to focus on your partner, and it can be incredibly vulnerable. It is not better or worse than masturbating alone to porn, it’s just a completely different experience.
It is easy to make porn the scapegoat, but in most cases, the problem is rarely about the porn and about something else. It could be the way you communicate with each other, unmet needs and resentments, both of your relationship needs and values, or something else.
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