A letter writer feels the loss of both parents after widowed progressive mom stands by her racist, homophobic new husband.
Recently, my mom fell in love with a man who has none of those values. He openly says he is prejudiced against one race, and does not “agree with” homosexuality. He is someone I wouldn’t choose to have a conversation with, let alone bring into our close-knit family circle. Because my mom and he are elderly, family members say to ignore him, there is no changing him, and concentrate on spending time with Mom. I feel like I can’t ignore what are core issues for me.
Now they are married and I feel like I've lost my mom, too, because she stands beside her new husband no matter what. It is disconcerting to see someone throw away their morals and values like that, and I am angry she brought someone like this into our lives. I am wondering if she was lonelier than we realized.How do I move forward? I feel like the foundation under me is shaky, since she was the person I looked up to for moral guidance my whole life.Everyone and everything is a lesson.
Sometimes, though, the information is new, relevant and extremely challenging, and that’s when it’s time to listen and get to work. I can’t tell you exactly what the lessons are in your mom’s behavior since your father’s death. I don’t know you or her or your family’s dynamic anywhere near well enough. But there are themes big enough for me to spot from here.
Your father’s death, for example, could have traumatized your mom. People who are emotionally unmoored — or, as you suggest, lonely — often respond with odd or unhealthy attachments.Her age especially means you can’t rule out cognitive changes, whether it’s because of, unrelated to or in combination with the impact of disorienting grief.Your parents’ marriage also could have concealed or even suppressed some truths about your mom.
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