Dear Amy: My wife and I have a strained relationship with my parents, who live out of state.
And then your mother experienced a bit of a backslide, resorting to familiar behaviors as a way to bounce over your boundary. Her weapons of choice are subtle manipulations, perhaps also throwing in a bit of sadness in order to press her case.
This is her way to get her needs met, and because it has worked in the past, she has reason to believe it will work now.You could say, “Your visit went really well for all of us, and I’m crediting our therapy for helping both of us to create and respect boundaries. Thank you for that, Mom.” I have not suggested diving into an extended conversation about her wants or needs, because, like a good door-to-door salesperson, once she gets her foot in the door, she will wedge it open.
This is your house, your family, and your life. I hope you will continue to take good care of yourself and your family by respectfully maintaining your boundaries. Ultimately this will result in a better relationship with your folks, building more positive experiences, which may lead to expanded boundaries.Many years ago, my college roommate did something that hurt my feelings very much. Instead of saying something to him I, in turn, did something to hurt him as well .
A few months ago, he passed away after a long illness. It pains me that I never cleaned the slate between us.How can I move past this, now that he is no longer here to forgive me?Your assumption that you need to confess in order to be forgiven might be selling your friend short. You could honor this good man’s life by remembering him as someone who would have quickly granted you forgiveness for that long-ago episode.A therapist could help you to work this through.
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