My infertility journey didn't end with a pregnancy, but I'm happier than I've ever been.
When my husband, Scott, and I moved into our new house, the upstairs landing became a catch-all for all the things that didn't yet have a space. One of the items was an antique wooden rocking horse that I'd purchased years prior, with that hope that one day it would live in a nursery.
But with no baby and no nursery, it sat at the top of the stairs for weeks, a constant reminder of our infertility and grief.The pain and the prolonged disappointment had become too overwhelming. It had seeped into every area of my life from my relationship with Scott to my relationship with my body. After more than three years of IUI treatments and fertility drugs, I’d reached my breaking point.“OK,” he said. “We don’t have to do this anymore.
Now, don’t think that I went from losing my mind over a rocking horse to living this happy, carefree life — it’s a process. It’s not an overnight thing. But I am here to tell you that it will get better. Your identity is not wrapped up in your ability to conceive.After Scott and I decided we weren’t going to have children, I went back to college to finish my degree. I was looking for something to pour myself into. After so many losses and so much disappointment, I needed a win.
My best piece of advice is make some friends who don’t have children — whether it’s by choice, chance or circumstance. It’s important to surround yourself with people who are in a similar headspace. When Scott and I first decided to stop trying, it was hard for me to be around people with children because I was just too acutely aware of what I felt was lacking. I felt disdain when I saw pregnant women. I definitely don’t feel that anymore, which is a relief. Like I said, it does get easier.
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