Ask Damon: My boyfriend died. Then I found out he had another partner.
1. Does the partner know about you?
2. What exactly were his boundaries? Asking because “he had some boundaries” could be anything from “he only drank Aquafina and refused to try other bottled water brands” to “in four years together, I never once saw where he lived.”? From what you wrote in your question, it’s possible he was dishonest with, but practicing non-monogamy with his partner. Which, considering that they lived on different continents and would only see each other twice a year, is conceivable.
For instance, what exactly are you furious about? His dishonesty? Or the feeling that you’ve been barred from grieving? Are you upset that the family, who you said you have a relationship with, didn’t tell you? Basically, is your impetus here to let everyone know that you were a big part of each other's lives, and that you deserve the same “grief status” that a family member or close friend would receive? Or is it to let everyone know that you were clueless?If the family was unaware, I’m...
I keep coming back to what you said about the avenues of grief, and I’m still unsure about what’s getting in the way of you grieving him. Maybe you’re not able to do the same sort of public, social media remembrance that his partner and the rest of his family might’ve. But what’s stopping you from grieving in private? And perhaps working through these complications withI apologize for not having a clearer solution for you.
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