Rihanna is now single. The following men are not worthy of her
It’s 2020, Rihanna is single, and we’re all shooting our shot! Photo: Tommaso Boddi/WireImage Rihanna is single. Did you hear me? I said Rihanna is single! Per Us Weekly, Rih and Hassan Jameel, her Saudi billionaire boyfriend of three years, have separated. Get out your good cargo shorts, Leonardo DiCaprio. Put on your best newsboy cap! Spit-shine that Oscar! It’s 2020, Rihanna is single, and we’re all shooting our shot! Yes my Slack icon is young Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leonardo DiCaprio? Not good enough for Rihanna. Schmeonardo SchmiCaprio? I see what you’re doing there and still — not good enough for Rihanna. Deonardo LiCaprio? Stop this madness — still not good enough for Rihanna! Bradley Cooper? Not good enough for Rihanna, but maybe if he puts on that Jackson Maine Bronzer and drops his voice four octaves we can talk. Bradley Cooper’s tethered Jake Gyllenhaal? Not good enough for Rihanna. Michael B. Jordan? Not good enough for Rihanna.
Those are all the men in Hollywood I feel like naming right now, but maybe, at a later date, I will return to name some more. The conclusion, however, will remain the same: no man is “good” “enough” for Rihanna. My friends: Put on your good bra, charge your vibrator, dance around your room to “Sex With Me” — Rihanna is single and, by the transitive property, so are we.
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