To mark the release of her new book, Caitlin Moran is here to guide us through the rocky terrain of modern masculinity
Other men are not giving you Penis Real Talk. Whilst you can’t move for 21st century women being very open and taboo-y bust-y about their flaps – Amy Schumer doing five minutes on how her vagina “smells like a barn-yard”; Lily Allen performing under balloons that read “LILY ALLEN HAS A BAGGY PUSSY” – I have yet to see a single male comedian/pop-star confess to having a “funky-smelling” knob, or admitting that they have a tiny winkie.
Your dick is what you were born with; it reveals nothing about your personality; and every one – whatever the size, or legendary computer-game character it resembles – should be treated with love, respect and pride by everyone. And so on, until you have a good cry, and actually talk to each other as if you’re not on stage at the Comedy Store.Online pornography could easily lead one to believe that “a bit of light strangling” is simply a routine part of sexual intercourse – as normal as “taking your trousers off” and “actually doing ‘it’.
Currently, one-in-ten gym-going men suffer from “Bigorexia” - the stupidly-named condition whereby, whatever they do, they never feel big, or muscular, enough. Whilst we cannot underestimate cultural conditioning, mental ill-health and clinical depression, we can also see how habitually wearing a pair of jeans so tight they look like Tudor hose really isn’t helping.
When it comes to “the finger up the bum stiffy anxiety”, though, I have no help for you - although maybe it will help to remember the words of one man: “It’s weird men fear this; when a lot of us pay good money for it.”We all know this. Maternity leave is the priority, and Mumsnet is a genuine political force, feared by Prime Ministers – whilst Dadsnet is so sparsely populated, it desperately offers “a crate of beer” for potential subscribers.